I hate people.

Today, J was in an awful snit. Some days are good and some aren't. Today she was just mad because she couldn't find her pink silly straw. At first she accused me of taking it, then her dad and lastly, of course, it was her sister's turn. The sister who hadnt been home all...day...long.

As she stormed through the kitchen, literally tearing through the drawers, I found that the straw had accidently fallen into her trash can beside her bed. When I brought the straw to her, in the kitchen, and began to wash it, she burst into tears.

"Mom why can't I have friends?" "Why can't I be normal?"

Okay heartbreak time.

This is the life of an Autistic adult in a small town.


It's not that my daughter doesn't have friends. She is on a Special Needs softball time and has quite a few friends. They also hold parties where she gets to socialize. But softball season is not constant and neither are the parties. That time in between is the hardest.

Both my husband and I are physically disabled which means we live below the poverty line so allowing her to be involved in other activities is difficult because they are costly.

And the normal part. Well that part gets dicey as well. How do you tell your adult autistic daughter that even her aunt, uncle and grandmother don't want to be around her because she still has tantrums? Her own flesh and blood. The ones that I fought with to stop attempting to spoil her. Now they write her off because they think, somehow, she is going to get a gun and shoot them or beat them up like they've heard on television.

Yes, she gets angry out of frustration but violent? Come on! Never has she hit them or cursed them . But she understands what they are doing. J tells me that they 'threw her away'. And she's not far off.

Unfortunately, J does have the 'princess' attitude; believing it is all about her (ironically a behavior that she inherited from her aunt). It's hard to explain why she can't have a castle or be princess when 'she grows up' (she's 22). In the same way she doesn't understand why she can't spend the weekend at Grandma's anymore

People chuckle when I say I don't like people. If they only knew why.

Here We Go Again

"I can't play baseball", said Jess.   All day long as if  my husband and I could forget.    Every 15 minutes we are reminded that the hurricane in Mexico is just ruining her day of Special Needs baseball. We also had weeks of flooding last spring which prevented her and her sister from the whole season of baseball.

Oh yeah, we heard about that as well. After the third week of torrential rain, it was beyond moping and whining but anger. And the anger was directed at you know who. Well you have to have someone to be ticked at. Of course, by the time THAT ended we were also out of all of her favorite (or at the very least tolerable) foods so her frustration turned to down right pissed off!

We are hoping that the hurricane will be quick (and spare our dear friends who now live in Belize). There is only so much DVDs and art projects that a parent can tolerate.

Sit and Wait

It has been a tiring week. Jess, after several months of 'good' mood swings has evolved into her aggressive behavior once again. Obsessive behavior over the living room television, mania-type laughter, loudly talking out almost script-like lines to The Little Mermaid but with repeating each line three times and violent outbursts to simple remarks or questions.

We haven't run away this week, which is good....I am getting tired of calling my SIL to come and speak with her (in these phases, she is the only one that she will listen to).

It's difficult, on a good day, with a Autistic adult, but when that adult shows signs of being bipolar, it gets extensively more so. We sit in wait for the insurance companies to do what they are supposed to, which is cancel her private insurance in favor of her Medicare.

Ah yes, Obamacare is very quick to sign you up but not so quick about allowing Blue Cross to cancel it Meanwhile we sit and wait.

I'm Melting

It's one thing for an Autistic child to have melt downs, but an adult is a whole different ballgame!

Jessica has issues of the aggressive, angry side so her meltdown are not pretty. For a while, she is in a mood that everything was wonderful and happy and much like an old Disney movie.  While her sister, who started to pray to Archangel Michael to help her sister was thrilled when Jessica was in this giddy-happy period.

Her father and I...not so much.

For we knew with the sweet, comes the sour. And the sour usually ends in serious swearing, screaming and not so occasional knocking hole is doors. I think the salesman at Lowes, who now knows us on a first name basis, keeps basic core doors in stock.

I don't know if anyone else with Autistic adult female children go through this, but Jessica's meltdowns usually hit either a week before or on her menstrual period.  When she turned 13, is when the fun began and it hasn't stopped since. Eight years. Eight years of this suffering through threats, fits and numerous other events.

Only recently were we able to afford medical insurance and now her Medicare has finally kicked in. NOW I'm having a hard time attempting to get her OFF the medical insurance through ObamaCare. Not that I'm not grateful but I only need one guys. She gets Medicare because she is termed fully disable so why pay for two. I really didn't think when the ObamaCare rep told me that when she got her Medicare to just call and we'll take her off of it immediately, that they were lying.

I've called, and called AND CALLED.  After the initial registration, what did they do, leave the country??

Sooo, I have a kid that desperately needs medical assessments for her condition and an insurance company who won't answer the phone or emails? Com'On! 

So we wait as June draws closer (the month that the Medicare kicks in), the meltdowns continue and no appointments at all.They say that good things come to those who wait. If that is true, then what I'm waiting for will be a doozy.

Rainy Days and Autism

We always know when it is going to be a wet Spring when it rains on Baseball Saturdays. It seems to be every other year and leaves us with a very upset daughter.

Her sister, who has Aspergers, seems to understand the rules of weather. If it rains on Friday; no baseball on Saturday. Her sister, not so much.

Once the rain begins, the loud whining, complaining loudly in another room as if she were talking to someone (never the case) but always directed at me. For, you see, I am always the brunt; the foe and that evil twin. I am responsible for everything.

No chocolate? Must be mom's fault (even though there is white milk AND chocolate syrup in the frig). The coach didn't hand out the team shirts? Well it's my fault.

Well it poured down again...for 3 days! So now she is in an agitated state. Last night, after calling J to dinner, I was told that I talk too much. Later, when I reminded her that we wouldn't be attending baseball, I was screamed at, 'Leave me alone' and 'You're a loser mom!'

We assume that my 22-year-old autitic baby has hit her early teen-age years emotionally and therefore MOM is always wrong, stupid, a loser and pretty much  anything else.

I try to limit conversations with her until I sense what her mood is so she won't decided that I'm "bossing her around". These days I send Dad and her sister to deliver messages.

Yes, I hate Spring; mostly spring showers that last days and prevent her ability to get out and play ball. Because the tornado season will begin.

The Weak and the Lazy

My kids are older so you would think some of their 'habits' would diminish with time just as it does with other children. I mean even if they are part of of the ASD group, they are kids, right?

Right?  Yea, I know...falling on stupefied silence.

One of my favorite autistic parenting sites, Autism. A Dad's Eye View  http://autismfromadadseyeview.blogspot.co.uk/  He had a top 20 list for parents in which one stated "sleep is for the lazy and weak'.

No truer words have ever been said

A few nights ago, we were subjected to this. Our eldest has issues of having her nights and days in reverse, which is pretty normal for a lot of autitstics. Unfortunately ours has to sing loudly, dance and stomp even more loudly. This doesn't do well when you have hard wood floors either.

This means staying awake with her until 3 or 4 in the morning...whether we want to or not. This also means her schedule is askew. Not waking until lunch time but have to have breakfast first, because that is part of the routine. Then, realizing that it's about 1 in the afternoon, she just has to have lunch because, well it's that time.

The eldest gets an allowance for her scheduled chores. Unfortunately the bipolar part of her and the autistic part don't play well with each. There's that part who doesn't want to do the chores so she cries, whines and eventually begins to tell outrageous lies. To announce that she has done said chore when you are sitting in the room that the chore takes place in AND knowing that she did not do it always leads to fits of anger and frustration that we aren't as stupid as she would like us to be.

For the last few days, she has been more than furious with us.

The eldest also has a chromebook (which I regret) that has become a source of problems recently. This time, when she was in her manic period, she decided not to put the computer back at its designed time. Instead she kept it until almost 10pm. The average lecture followed with warning that she would lose part of her allowance as consequences. She has endured reduction of allowance before so this wasn't new to her. She was a bit upset but she did realize what she did was her fault.

Or so we thought. The next morning when I brought her the allowance and reminded her, once again, of the reason why. She usually gives a sad and pouty face and begrudingly agrees. This time that bipolar part decided to visit.

Screaming, threats of leaving home and doing harm to us, childish taunts ('mommy is a loser) and lastly scowels and pretty much in that order.   Our part consisted of putting away all knives (for our safety, not hers), deadbolting the front and back door(she has attempted to run away when we are all asleep) and, after we think she is calming down, attempting to speak to her about what has and will happen.

Unfortunately, the manic explosions seem to get worse with age. They do not diminish as they would in a non autistic.  As much as we try,new habits replace old ones which we struggle to combat. It's a daily life long battle.

So sleep is definitely for weak and lazy. 

Never Ending

It never ends. Being the mother of not one but two autistic daughters, is never ending.

My oldest, who is full blown high-functioning, autistic, is 22 and aggressive. Not a great combination. Her mental/emotional side is somewhere between 9 and 19. She watches Barney and the Wiggles and Glee, The Waltons and anything to do with Princesses.

She is not on prescribed meds but takes a natural supplement called 'Calm' to do just that. We have to give her this daily so she can sleep. She has to stay on a strict schedule or there is 'hell to pay'.

Our other daughter has Aspergers and is our computer geek. Thank G-d. I don't believe her older, computer illiterate parents could live without her.  She is our very smart but has typical emotional problems that Aspies usually have.

At the moment, we are having serious sleep issues with the oldest. Two nights ago, she was up for the..entire...night. And unfortunately, so was I. It's a good thing that I don't work outside the house; I wouldn't have the energy to drag myself anywhere.

Most blogs I read concern about young children that are autistic. Well this will have a new bent. Because there is a whole bunch of different when dealing with teenaged and adult 'kids'.